Tag Archives: writing

brain injury, frustration, inspiration, optimism, writing

The Art of Beginning Again

Life is a funny thing. I don’t mean funny haha, I mean funny as in it being an interesting and fascinating journey.

Since my last blog entry, a lot of time has passed and if you’re wondering what kept me away, you’re not alone (I certainly was wondering what kept me away). In an effort to figure it out, I have looked into a lot of psychology texts to see what it is that keeps me away from what I want to do most.

I guess the first question, then, is ‘What do I want to do most?’

I started to write lists of things that interested me and the list included (in no particular order): having a decluttered home, purging unnecessary belongings, making more quality time with my family to enjoy each other in the everyday, walking my dog more (and longer), getting my writing really kickstarted and following through, catching up with home repairs, reaching out to others in need in my community, strengthening my journey in faith, really deeply exploring yoga and meditation, pro-actively managing my health.

I also have used new rituals/tools for household budgeting and for planning my time. But somehow, a lot of things kept falling to the bottom of the heap.

So with all of those things in a reasonable and valid list of interests, I had to face the fact that I feel anxious – intensely anxious – about the things I want to do. I feel overwhelmed and although my kids will help (with prompting) and my husband will also help with a project that he sees coming (he hates it when I suddenly spring an idea of weekend work on him), I still feel quite alone in this list.

I took some time to see what was falling farthest from the top of my list and, sadly, the writing went all the way to the bottom.

I am reading some really great books that I will share in more depth in future blog entries. Through prayer, through the books I am reading and the other influences I have sought out (motivational speakers, etc), I have come to the several conclusions that are true for me:

  1. Feeling overwhelmed creates paralysis in me
  2. Being intimidated by my “things to do” somehow makes me prone to wasting time
  3. The more public a project, the more I fear failing
  4. When I feel an imbalance in my effort and the efforts of those closest to me, I reign in my work with some twisted sense of what’s “fair”
  5. I have an over-ambitious list of things which needs pruning

There are other truths I have discovered but some are better covered when I chat about the book that helped me make the discovery.

For now, I just have to say that the beginning of June (a fresh start in a new month) made me feel like it was an opportunity to begin again. In fact, every new day is an opportunity to begin again.

That’s where this becomes a bit funny (in an ironic sense). I chose the name Begin Again for almost all of my social media presence because, ever since my stroke and brain injury, I have been on a journey of learning how to begin again over and over and over.

Fresh page, fresh start

I have made a plan to post a new blog entry every Monday starting in the coming week and I am going to be rigorous about this and do it regardless of how motivated I feel (or not), how cluttered my life or my mind are (or not), how busy my family is (or not), etc. I just am going to make it a habit and I am going to work very hard to make a routine with regard to the blogging.

Even if no one ever reads it and it’s the best thing I’ve ever written, it’s worth writing. Even if the whole world reads it and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever written, it’s worth writing.

I will count on my faith to strengthen my resolve and to trust in the unknown. One thing I know is that love and mercy are at the center of everything that matters and even though I fell off the track with my blog, I too am worth some love and mercy. So I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and Begin Again.

Be well,

Jen xo

recovery, writing

So here I am

6 Comments

It’s hard to know where to start this blog post. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted and there are many reasons for my absence.  Let me fill you in on where I have been.

I’ve worked very hard to continue my stroke recovery. I do brain exercises in the form of number games to pump some cerebral iron and word games to help rebuild my vocabulary. I’ve prioritized parts of my life that need direct attention for all of us: our health, our happiness, our loved ones. Most importantly, I’ve had an important 3-year conversation with someone I’ve never even seen…

I remember a time when I was blogging quite regularly but I didn’t really know if that was what I am meant to do or where I am meant to go. Seeking meaning in life, seeking purpose, is nothing new… it’s endemic of the human condition. But the writing was (and still is) harder than it was in my pre-stroke years. Now I have to really engage and the result is that my brain gets tired and it takes a lot of my steam away from the other things that are still hard to keep up with (housekeeping, gardening, parenting, caring for an aged parent, marriage, even taking care of our dog).

With that cost, I had to take some time to say to the Lord: ‘is this where you need me?’ I have dreams and I have wishes and I did once want to be a novelist (two fiction and one non-fiction are in development) but I didn’t want to forsake all the rest – or His will – for the sole purpose of chasing a dream.

So I stopped blogging and charged up my life of faith. In the past few years, my seizures stabilized and I eventually trusted my Neurologists enough to agree that driving would help me. A couple of years ago I passed my driving test (feeling like a teenager all over again) and within one month I went to our parish and offered my services to go to the homes of those who are suffering with illness, disability, surgical recovery, or who are dying. Someday I will begin to share with you how hugely transformative that has been for me.

More recently, I was asked to serve on our parish Council so that also takes up some time; one night a week I am working with some friends to learn about Saint Faustina and about Divine Mercy, and another night a week I go in the wee hours of the morning to spend some time alone in silent, selfless, Adoration.

With those very meaningful hours feeding my soul, the homilies started to speak louder and louder to me:

Do not be afraid. Just walk and trust that the path will be made straight if the intention is pure. Just tell your story.

So here I am.

I know there are millions of people who are struggling with brain injuries, stroke recovery, parenting, and all the other things I struggle with too. I also know that the internet has a wealth of kind and loving and giving people but I have also seen a dark virtual forest filled with monsters and evil empowered by its anonymity. It is my intent to light my light and try to brighten as much of the space around me as I can. I will be using blogs, tweets, instagrams, and even YouTube *gasp* to reach out and share. And yes, someday I still do want to be officially published but for right now, this is the path I want to be on. Lots ahead… Brace yourself!

There is nothing special about me… or maybe I should have said there is everything special about me but there is no more special than the ‘everything’ that is special in you.

It’s good to be back.

Be well,

Jen