Category Archives: creativity

From unexpected places

~SL10B
Me with an exhibit I built inworld

As you may know, I have been somewhat active in an online, virtual world where I have friends from around the world and where I can exercise my creativity and socialize with adults in a way that doesn’t exceed my capacity. It’s been a very very helpful place.

What works about this for me is my ability to control it all. Given that I can have a seizure if I am overstimulated or tired, this virtual world allows me to manage what I see onscreen to reduce visual stimulation; turn off sounds to reduce auditory stimulation; and, when I need a break, I log off! It’s that easy.

The people aren’t as easy to leave, but that’s another story.

As with any collection of people there are all kinds of different types… some you wish you’d never bumped into and others who change your life in a positive way. Over the years of being there, I have now learned to be more wise about the people I keep company with online.

Anyway, after much time, I am now coming into my own. My avatar is 3.5 years old now so I guess, in that world, I am maturing beyond my rebellious teenage time online. [My avatar was always an adult, but maybe the avatar operator -me- was a bit immature.]

So now I go to live music events, poetry readings, classes, lots of things that are the “real Jen.” Sometimes I even go dancing or play cards with friends.

One thing I never expected was the spiritual side of this online universe. At first, when I logged in, I could leave behind my real life obligations and escape… but it wasn’t long before I learned that that was a false front and it was doing a disservice to myself. It also made me start to feel a bit frustrated. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time but I was losing touch with myself in the sense that parts of me were feeling silenced and pushed off to the side.

Sadly, even my faith seemed to be left behind when I logged on. I wasn’t faithless. I just got swept away by the virtual world and the freedom of trying on new lives. It’s complicated and likely non-sensical to those of you who have never spent time in a virtual environment, but it’s a very interesting social … experiment (for lack of a better world).

For now, let me just say that my most recent joy was finding some kindred spirits from around the world who are also trying to actively exercise their faith and spirituality in this surreal environment. I stumbled across the place quite by accident but I have been going there on and off for more than a year now, I guess.

Viriditas
A photo I took inworld where we meditate

Monday to Friday there is a morning, 30-minute, silent meditation at noon (my time – which is 9AM inworld). There is another at midnight (9PM inworld). And on Sundays there is an 11pm session.

I have recently offered to help with the mornning sessions since I am available and can help without a commute! What a treat.

But the thing that is so meaningful is the people I meet and “work” with. All magnificent people who are very inclusive and quite inspirational in their own ways.

Maybe someday I will get brave enough to tell you more about it. But for now, I offer this virtual peek into a place that lets all the abled and disabled participate on equal footing.

Be well.

Patience

I stand still and watch and listen

I cannot fake being able to keep up with the pace of life
Well… maybe I can fake it but it only raises expectations
So I choose not to

I hear a piano being played in the distance

I try to manage a phone call or two a week
Sadly it’s mostly to get my new Warfarin dosages or to talk to insurance companies
I need them more than they need me

In comes a wave and a breeze blows across my face

I manage some of the household chores, so does my husband
My sons earn assistance points all the time by doing a chore
(some they do with my grumpy face pushing them)

I notice a lovely Cardinal on the bird feeder in the backyard

Friends and family each only ask for one visit – one chat – one gathering
Soon they add up to daily
I can’t manage that in addition to my own obligations for my kids, so I don’t

My dog’s soft black fur feels lovely against my foot where she is cuddled up

I have at least one medical appointment every week
Blood tests are a nearly constant event
Usually another medical appointment every couple weeks

I hear chirping and a plane humming overhead

I watched tv once in the past 8 months
I watched the royal wedding – why not watch a girl becom a princess?
Occurred to me often that his mom was missing… I hope when it’s my sons’ turn I am not missing

Warm sunshine on my face makes me instinctively turn my face toward the heat and close my eyes

Music still brings me joy
Headphones blocking everything else bring me even more joy
But the best of all is my sons in my arms loving me and me loving them

A butterfly lands on my window sill – just like she promised she would

I smile at her
   Her wings beat slowly
      And then she is gone

Patience
   Was worth the wait to see her if only for a moment
      It really is a virtue

Be well.

Jen

For those of you who have discussed and speculated that my absence is about “you” and why am i mad and blah blah blah blah…
… that is the only incentive i need never to be back in that game.

I hope every other stroke patient reading this also has the strength to walk away from those selfish people.

I am…

…alive (when I may have died in other eras)
…brave (when I least expect it)
…quiet (when the words fail me – or are not words I want tied to me)
…inspired (by sunshine and a warm breeze)
…proud (of my sons and my family)
…sorry (for my new prioritization of me before most others)
…learning (how to be the receiver and not the giver)
…strong (to say no, if it is what is best)
…silly (when I feel like laughing over nothing at all)
…loving (for those around me who deserve so much of my affection)
…grumpy (when I am not able to keep up)
…creative (when I have space to dream)
…amazed (when I consider how far I have come)
…numb (when I consider the road ahead)
…hopeful (when the sun comes up the next day)

Be well,

Jen