Category Archives: recovery

brain injury, faith, frustration, june, patience, recover, recovery

Patience: A Virtue Worth Cultivating

In all likelihood, you, like me, have areas in your life that frustrate you or things to do that remain undone. I have a long list in that category.

When I worked full time at my career, I kept on top of my day’s work and very rarely had any unresolved things. Perhaps purging a filing cabinet, or seeing if I could get a new desk chair would be a medium long wait, but things got tackled and resolved very quickly. The nature of my work meant that most things that come across my desk have to get done right away except for planning large scale public events, which took longer and required more collaboration with many stakeholders.

Since my stroke and my resulting increased amount of daytime at our home, I’ve had to realize that my desired work pace is not very realistic.

First of all, I have new limitations. I struggle often with fatigue and now have to work in nap time to let my brain pause somewhere in the middle of the day. I also don’t have total control on the schedules of my husband and kids. The day I might choose for a project may wind up being a day that they were each planning different things to do or places to go.

I think this has been one of the top five challenges of my stroke and recovery. I am not sure if it’s more accurately a loss of productivity, a loss of control or if it’s a lack of patience. Either way, it’s such a challenge. I have to constantly remind myself of how fortunate I am and I have to also remind myself of the importance of the happiness of my loved ones.

In order to gain some objectivity, I really should take a look at the more fullsome picture of my career’s successful productivity. I have to acknowledge several key differences:

  1. I was paid for my skill and ability which made me all the more vigilant of what I did and how expedient I was.
  2. If I bullied my body and pressed myself through meals or through breaks or through day and night, my body could keep up (I now know that my stroke was related to this ridiculous pace but still, for 15 years it worked).
  3. I didn’t have to do everything at work. Someone else cleaned, took care of security, arranged printer toner replacements, ordered and distributed supplies, paid the utilities, monitored the media coverage, coordinated training and development, paid for the office space, kept the technology working, and I could go on and on. A functional work environment is a team where everyone has a clear definition of what they have to maintain … and they are paid for that part.
  4. My physical space was small. The cubicle and office I had was very small and I intentionally kept clutter to a minimum (having only an indoor plant and two photos). Clutter and visual distraction never worked well with my brain and I guess that’s the same today. In fact, that has worsened, so visual distraction needs to be kept under control for the sake of my productivity.
  5. My most fruitful hours were spent at the office. I didn’t expect myself to work all day and all night (although, yes, occasionally that was required). But I didn’t look over my work to do list at all hours of the day. When I left work, 90% of me left… a small portion of my brain always stayed alert for my Blackberry and other work stuff, but I considered my day done until my eyes opened the next day.

Clearly, those factors are significant. I am often at home for several days and I also eat and sleep and relax here, in my “work place.”  Here, I see those to do items over and over, in every room of the house. I think that is a big part of my sleep challenges. In addition, working on things alone without as many other parts done by a team is discouraging. My own slow and unpredictable pace is distractable, exhausts easily, and some days that were planned to be productive wind up being impossible because I lose two days to recover from a loud or exhausting event the day before.

It’s very difficult to see to do items move from one week to the next week over and over. It’s upsetting and humbling.

I wrote that last line and it made me sit and think for a minute. I am a person of faith. I am Catholic. I have been studying the diary of Saint Faustina and last week we were again focused on how important humility is.

I think humility and patience are twins. One cannot be patient if they are not humble and clearly you can’t be humble when you’re not patient. I thought I was fairly humble but obviously, with my struggle for patience, I am not.

I guess it’s time to work on my patience as an act of also working on my humility. Maybe this blog is the way I have been awakened to one of my own (many) shortcomings. Maybe that is why I felt very strongly that I needed to get back to my blog. It’s a bit awkward and embarrassing to come across one’s own shortcomings in such a public way but pride under a useless veil of privacy is of no help to anyone. I don’t know why we are so in love with making ourselves seem perfect to everyone – no one is perfect. No one.

So here I stand with a mission that I need to focus on my humility and patience. I strongly feel that I was called to write because someone someday will be helped when they read it even if the help is just kinship. Maybe that person is you. If so, nice to meet you – it’s especially nice to meet people who are as publicly  imperfect as me.

So with that important and wonderful revelation, I guess today’s blogging is done but the work of the rest of my life has just been named. I look forward to exploring it… but in the meantime I want to disclose that I worry there is a line between being patient – calmly waiting for something to be done – and being lethargic and apathetic. I suppose, as I walk along this journey, I will have to keep alert for those latter two possibilities because I don’t want them to comfortably ride on the coattails of otherwise beautiful gifts like patience and humility. Maybe you can help me keep an eye out for them too.

In the coming weeks, at some point I will begin to share with you the long list of things to get done and you can watch (and hopefully, cheer) for the accomplishments I/we achieve as time marches on.

I just have to remember to be good to my heart and my sense of self and I have to be even better to the hearts of those I love around me. Until then…

Be well,
Jen

recovery, writing

So here I am

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It’s hard to know where to start this blog post. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted and there are many reasons for my absence.  Let me fill you in on where I have been.

I’ve worked very hard to continue my stroke recovery. I do brain exercises in the form of number games to pump some cerebral iron and word games to help rebuild my vocabulary. I’ve prioritized parts of my life that need direct attention for all of us: our health, our happiness, our loved ones. Most importantly, I’ve had an important 3-year conversation with someone I’ve never even seen…

I remember a time when I was blogging quite regularly but I didn’t really know if that was what I am meant to do or where I am meant to go. Seeking meaning in life, seeking purpose, is nothing new… it’s endemic of the human condition. But the writing was (and still is) harder than it was in my pre-stroke years. Now I have to really engage and the result is that my brain gets tired and it takes a lot of my steam away from the other things that are still hard to keep up with (housekeeping, gardening, parenting, caring for an aged parent, marriage, even taking care of our dog).

With that cost, I had to take some time to say to the Lord: ‘is this where you need me?’ I have dreams and I have wishes and I did once want to be a novelist (two fiction and one non-fiction are in development) but I didn’t want to forsake all the rest – or His will – for the sole purpose of chasing a dream.

So I stopped blogging and charged up my life of faith. In the past few years, my seizures stabilized and I eventually trusted my Neurologists enough to agree that driving would help me. A couple of years ago I passed my driving test (feeling like a teenager all over again) and within one month I went to our parish and offered my services to go to the homes of those who are suffering with illness, disability, surgical recovery, or who are dying. Someday I will begin to share with you how hugely transformative that has been for me.

More recently, I was asked to serve on our parish Council so that also takes up some time; one night a week I am working with some friends to learn about Saint Faustina and about Divine Mercy, and another night a week I go in the wee hours of the morning to spend some time alone in silent, selfless, Adoration.

With those very meaningful hours feeding my soul, the homilies started to speak louder and louder to me:

Do not be afraid. Just walk and trust that the path will be made straight if the intention is pure. Just tell your story.

So here I am.

I know there are millions of people who are struggling with brain injuries, stroke recovery, parenting, and all the other things I struggle with too. I also know that the internet has a wealth of kind and loving and giving people but I have also seen a dark virtual forest filled with monsters and evil empowered by its anonymity. It is my intent to light my light and try to brighten as much of the space around me as I can. I will be using blogs, tweets, instagrams, and even YouTube *gasp* to reach out and share. And yes, someday I still do want to be officially published but for right now, this is the path I want to be on. Lots ahead… Brace yourself!

There is nothing special about me… or maybe I should have said there is everything special about me but there is no more special than the ‘everything’ that is special in you.

It’s good to be back.

Be well,

Jen

brain injury, governor general, june, recover, recovery, stroke

June = Brain Injury Awareness Month

As we close the month of June, I hope you know that June is Brain Injury Awareness Month!

Did you know that the Right Honourable David Johnston, our Governor General, chose to be the Patron of the Brain Injury Association of Canada in July 2011?

Consider this statement offered for your use (offered by the Brain Injury Association of Canada):

“As incredible as this may sound, brain injury in Canada is a silent epidemic. In Canada, brain injury is the number one killer and disabler of people under the age of 44. Statistics further indicate that incidences are two times greater within the male population.

Mr. SPEAKER, acquired brain injury is defined as a non-degenerative and non-congenital insult to the brain that may result in a diminished or altered state of consciousness, and result in impaired cognitive, physical, emotional and/or behavioural functioning. 

The social, emotional and economic consequences of brain injury are in fact devastating not only to the survivors themselves, but to family members, caregivers, support workers and the community at large – everyone involved with working towards neuro-rehabilitation and recovery. And currently, there are no drugs or techniques that can cure a brain injury. 

Automobile accidents, sports injuries, cycling accidents, falls, strokes, tumours, aneurysms, and other non-degenerative conditions are all leading causes of brain acquired Brain Injury in Canada.

I encourage all members of this House, become involved with grassroot brain injury associations and to listen to survivor stories and family members speak about the support and guidance they have received. Their true life stories will fascinate you. Their courage and determination is really quite remarkable.”

Yesterday, I had the gift of sitting on the grass with a magical woman who works at the Robin Easey Centre in Ottawa. [The Robin Easey Centre is part of the Ottawa Hospital and she comes to offer professional assessments and advice on how to adjust our lifestyle decisions in a way that will work better with my disabilities.] She said that she dreams of a day when community awareness of brain injuries reaches a point that people respond to brain issues the same way they respond to any other illness.

beautifulbrain-300x288In some ways, when I think about the fog and silence around brain injury, I’m mystified. How could that happen? After all, we are the most digitally aware generation of all time so we can’t blame it on access to information. We are also more knowledgeable about the pivotal role that the brain plays in every movement, conscious and subconscious decision, and even our ability to interpret and understand what we do, see or feel. So it’s not because we don’t value the brain. And, ultimately, we are a very empathetic generation who have accomplished huge things and are routinely giving to worthy causes.

So I started to consider the differences and the other realities in our society.

1) No one likes to be ‘sick’ and even fewer like to be pitied! (Keep the illness a secret)

The fact that many brain injuries are ‘hidden’ wounds might sometimes feel convenient because then we don’t have to endure those pitying smiles and we don’t have any people slowly nodding with lips pressed together – you know what I mean – the smiles that our brethren with a visible disability have to endure. Although it’s incumbent upon us to advocate for ourselves, sometimes there is a blessing to just kinda blending in with the world.

However this is a true case of being careful what you wish for because the less people know about a brain injury, especially about YOUR brain injury, the less they are able to respond appropriately. How can a community rally behind an illness when those suffering cannot (or choose not to) speak up…?

2) We want to be on the team! (Act normal so they will pick your name)

Remember when your gym class needed two teams and two students were chosen to pick their team? Remember the dread as the names were called and you just hoped you wouldn’t be picked last? Well, it’s a hard thing not to be able to contribute to a career, a family, a household, a community in the way we used to. Many of us tend to try to push our limits. It’s not a matter of ego (well, not totally) and it’s not “keeping up with the Joneses,” it’s a just that we want to be counted among those who make a difference. We want to be picked for the team!

I wonder what would happen if we all just signed up for the brain injury awareness team. The more of us and, yes, the more athletes and stars they see, the more likely that our world might pause for a second and go “wow, brain injury is serious.”

3) “Come on over!” and then “Do Not Disturb” (Use all your energy to please others when others can see and don’t worry about your family)

One peril for those with brain injuries is that we will try to operate in limits we set for ourselves prior to our brain injury. Our limits even when we were “well” may not have been reasonable but here we are trying to go, go, go. I am sure those who live with us feel frustrated when they learn we’ve volunteered to host a family event knowing that we will collapse for a few days after they all go home.

If you have a brain injury, think about it for a second. I know you are probably feeling the way I do: “it was important to me to do it,” “I felt so much better doing that” etc… but… what about your spouse or child who didn’t get the energy that they count on from you in the following days? What about the strain it puts on the others in the household to all burn a little hotter so that you can accomplish a goal that might not have been necessary in the first place.

Now think about what it’s doing for the awareness of brain injury. The family reunion was a great success and you seemed FANTASTIC! When they see you again in six months at Christmas you will look fantastic again. What are the chances that those family members have a high awareness of your brain injury or brain injury in general? Slim. I mean, if you can host a family get together, shouldn’t you be at work? (That sounds reasonable considering that they have no idea that one potluck meal took everything out of you for days to come).

4) Symptom confusion (Withdrawal = depression)

In many cases, the brain injury patient is coping very well considering they are facing a major life changing event. We all know the stress of moving, changing jobs, death of a loved one, financial stress… well all of those challenges have repercussions on our capacity (and desire?) to keep up with a former social pace and many of those with a brain injury face several of those challenges at the same time as their brain tries to keep up.

If someone blithely skipped along and attended all the same parties and went out for dinner all the time despite being faced with major issues at home, would you think they are rational? I would not. Our first priority should always be to do a self-check. Consider how you are feeling and what is happening in your life. You might need to cut back on efforts with others to increase efforts in your private life. If you don’t address some issues early, you may have a bigger problem on your hands later.

But those who are wise enough to set manageable limits and curtail social things in favour of their own rest, their spouse, kids, or household are sometimes eyed skeptically by peripheral friends as “surely suffering from depression… she hardly ever comes over anymore.”  This is a sad trend because the injured person tends to have to then spend even more time mythbusting among their social circle trying to convince people that they are feeling quite well, that you’ve just scoped your life activities down a bit. If that has you nodding, don’t be afraid… you are doing the right thing!

Perversely, the more we are ‘absent’ the less we are able to represent our illness in our communities and social circles… that’s a sad paradox, isn’t it?

[NOTE: Just make sure your spouse or roommate or someone is close enough to be able to see if you’re not getting out of bed, not opening your blinds, not showering often enough. Clinical depression is serious and if you’re adrift in a world of grey, you can and really should get help. In the same way that brain injury is an illness and nothing to be ashamed of, so is depression. *hugs*]

5) Charity fatigue (Come on! Cancer is way worse, suck it up and stop whining)

Consider the mail you’ve received in the last week. Now in your mind’s eye, delete the flyers and the spam… now put in one (largest) pile your mail from banks or like, and I bet you will notice in the remaining mail, there are a bunch of charity auctions, raffles, unrequested address labels, etc all accompanied with a very compelling note about the abused animals in your community, a well that needs to be funded overseas, a new goal to find a few million to put in to a hospital or into a disease research program. It’s the same for us all I suspect, and sometimes it’s daunting to try and get the attention of people already sursaturated with charities.

But here is the bottom line: if you never got that envelope, you would never know about the well.

Here is some simple math. An organization mailed 200,000 envelopes. Two thirds of us just didn’t even open it… now we are down to 67,000 people. Of those who did, 9/10 didn’t read it all but they got the jist of it (that’s about 60,000 people). And maybe a small 0.5% of those will send in a bit of money. That’s still about 300 people. It can’t hurt, even if it only pays for the mailout because even more important than donations is the fact those 60,000 people are aware of it. And maybe, just maybe, they are thinking “hmm… my nephew had a concussion last year in hockey” or “yeah, my daughter’s car accident has changed life for many of us” or “that construction worker who fell off the scaffolding last week… I wonder if that tragedy is leaving him with a permanent brain injury?” or “Uncle Jim’s stroke was so tough, especially on Aunt Joyce” or the best of all… “Wow! I had no idea!”

Take a few moments to consider what you can do to raise awareness…

Brain injured and their loved ones, consider:
– blogging (bring the monsters out into the light and let’s look at them together)
– live proudly and within your limits

Anyone:
– join an organization in your community helping brain injury awareness
(Brain Injury Association of Canada)
– scour the internet to learn a bit (from reputable sources)

And thank YOU for taking the time to read this. Yes, it counts.

Be well.