Life is a funny thing. I don’t mean funny haha, I mean funny as in it being an interesting and fascinating journey.

Since my last blog entry, a lot of time has passed and if you’re wondering what kept me away, you’re not alone (I certainly was wondering what kept me away). In an effort to figure it out, I have looked into a lot of psychology texts to see what it is that keeps me away from what I want to do most.

I guess the first question, then, is ‘What do I want to do most?’

I started to write lists of things that interested me and the list included (in no particular order): having a decluttered home, purging unnecessary belongings, making more quality time with my family to enjoy each other in the everyday, walking my dog more (and longer), getting my writing really kickstarted and following through, catching up with home repairs, reaching out to others in need in my community, strengthening my journey in faith, really deeply exploring yoga and meditation, pro-actively managing my health.

I also have used new rituals/tools for household budgeting and for planning my time. But somehow, a lot of things kept falling to the bottom of the heap.

So with all of those things in a reasonable and valid list of interests, I had to face the fact that I feel anxious – intensely anxious – about the things I want to do. I feel overwhelmed and although my kids will help (with prompting) and my husband will also help with a project that he sees coming (he hates it when I suddenly spring an idea of weekend work on him), I still feel quite alone in this list.

I took some time to see what was falling farthest from the top of my list and, sadly, the writing went all the way to the bottom.

I am reading some really great books that I will share in more depth in future blog entries. Through prayer, through the books I am reading and the other influences I have sought out (motivational speakers, etc), I have come to the several conclusions that are true for me:

1. Feeling overwhelmed creates paralysis in me
2. Being intimidated by my “things to do” somehow makes me prone to wasting time
3. The more public a project, the more I fear failing
4. When I feel an imbalance in my effort and the efforts of those closest to me, I reign in my work with some twisted sense of what’s “fair”
5. I have an over-ambitious list of things which needs pruning

There are other truths I have discovered but some are better covered when I chat about the book that helped me make the discovery.

For now, I just have to say that the beginning of June (a fresh start in a new month) made me feel like it was an opportunity to begin again. In fact, every new day is an opportunity to begin again.

That’s where this becomes a bit funny (in an ironic sense). I chose the name Begin Again for almost all of my social media presence because, ever since my stroke and brain injury, I have been on a journey of learning how to begin again over and over and over.

I have made a plan to post a new blog entry every Monday starting in the coming week and I am going to be rigorous about this and do it regardless of how motivated I feel (or not), how cluttered my life or my mind are (or not), how busy my family is (or not), etc. I just am going to make it a habit and I am going to work very hard to make a routine with regard to the blogging.

Even if no one ever reads it and it’s the best thing I’ve ever written, it’s worth writing. Even if the whole world reads it and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever written, it’s worth writing.

I will count on my faith to strengthen my resolve and to trust in the unknown. One thing I know is that love and mercy are at the center of everything that matters and even though I fell off the track with my blog, I too am worth some love and mercy. So I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and Begin Again.

Be well,

Jen xo