In all likelihood, you, like me, have areas in your life that frustrate you or things to do that remain undone. I have a long list in that category.

When I worked full time at my career, I kept on top of my day’s work and very rarely had any unresolved things. Perhaps purging a filing cabinet, or seeing if I could get a new desk chair would be a medium long wait, but things got tackled and resolved very quickly. The nature of my work meant that most things that come across my desk have to get done right away except for planning large scale public events, which took longer and required more collaboration with many stakeholders.

Since my stroke and my resulting increased amount of daytime at our home, I’ve had to realize that my desired work pace is not very realistic.

First of all, I have new limitations. I struggle often with fatigue and now have to work in nap time to let my brain pause somewhere in the middle of the day. I also don’t have total control on the schedules of my husband and kids. The day I might choose for a project may wind up being a day that they were each planning different things to do or places to go.

I think this has been one of the top five challenges of my stroke and recovery. I am not sure if it’s more accurately a loss of productivity, a loss of control or if it’s a lack of patience. Either way, it’s such a challenge. I have to constantly remind myself of how fortunate I am and I have to also remind myself of the importance of the happiness of my loved ones.

In order to gain some objectivity, I really should take a look at the more fullsome picture of my career’s successful productivity. I have to acknowledge several key differences:

1. I was paid for my skill and ability which made me all the more vigilant of what I did and how expedient I was.
2. If I bullied my body and pressed myself through meals or through breaks or through day and night, my body could keep up (I now know that my stroke was related to this ridiculous pace but still, for 15 years it worked).
3. I didn’t have to do everything at work. Someone else cleaned, took care of security, arranged printer toner replacements, ordered and distributed supplies, paid the utilities, monitored the media coverage, coordinated training and development, paid for the office space, kept the technology working, and I could go on and on. A functional work environment is a team where everyone has a clear definition of what they have to maintain … and they are paid for that part.
4. My physical space was small. The cubicle and office I had was very small and I intentionally kept clutter to a minimum (having only an indoor plant and two photos). Clutter and visual distraction never worked well with my brain and I guess that’s the same today. In fact, that has worsened, so visual distraction needs to be kept under control for the sake of my productivity.
5. My most fruitful hours were spent at the office. I didn’t expect myself to work all day and all night (although, yes, occasionally that was required). But I didn’t look over my work to do list at all hours of the day. When I left work, 90% of me left… a small portion of my brain always stayed alert for my Blackberry and other work stuff, but I considered my day done until my eyes opened the next day.

Clearly, those factors are significant. I am often at home for several days and I also eat and sleep and relax here, in my “work place.”  Here, I see those to do items over and over, in every room of the house. I think that is a big part of my sleep challenges. In addition, working on things alone without as many other parts done by a team is discouraging. My own slow and unpredictable pace is distractable, exhausts easily, and some days that were planned to be productive wind up being impossible because I lose two days to recover from a loud or exhausting event the day before.

It’s very difficult to see to do items move from one week to the next week over and over. It’s upsetting and humbling.

I wrote that last line and it made me sit and think for a minute. I am a person of faith. I am Catholic. I have been studying the diary of Saint Faustina and last week we were again focused on how important humility is.

I think humility and patience are twins. One cannot be patient if they are not humble and clearly you can’t be humble when you’re not patient. I thought I was fairly humble but obviously, with my struggle for patience, I am not.

I guess it’s time to work on my patience as an act of also working on my humility. Maybe this blog is the way I have been awakened to one of my own (many) shortcomings. Maybe that is why I felt very strongly that I needed to get back to my blog. It’s a bit awkward and embarrassing to come across one’s own shortcomings in such a public way but pride under a useless veil of privacy is of no help to anyone. I don’t know why we are so in love with making ourselves seem perfect to everyone – no one is perfect. No one.

So here I stand with a mission that I need to focus on my humility and patience. I strongly feel that I was called to write because someone someday will be helped when they read it even if the help is just kinship. Maybe that person is you. If so, nice to meet you – it’s especially nice to meet people who are as publicly  imperfect as me.

So with that important and wonderful revelation, I guess today’s blogging is done but the work of the rest of my life has just been named. I look forward to exploring it… but in the meantime I want to disclose that I worry there is a line between being patient – calmly waiting for something to be done – and being lethargic and apathetic. I suppose, as I walk along this journey, I will have to keep alert for those latter two possibilities because I don’t want them to comfortably ride on the coattails of otherwise beautiful gifts like patience and humility. Maybe you can help me keep an eye out for them too.

In the coming weeks, at some point I will begin to share with you the long list of things to get done and you can watch (and hopefully, cheer) for the accomplishments I/we achieve as time marches on.

I just have to remember to be good to my heart and my sense of self and I have to be even better to the hearts of those I love around me. Until then…

Be well,
Jen