creativity, online, recover, Second Life, stroke, virtual

From unexpected places

~SL10B
Me with an exhibit I built inworld

As you may know, I have been somewhat active in an online, virtual world where I have friends from around the world and where I can exercise my creativity and socialize with adults in a way that doesn’t exceed my capacity. It’s been a very very helpful place.

What works about this for me is my ability to control it all. Given that I can have a seizure if I am overstimulated or tired, this virtual world allows me to manage what I see onscreen to reduce visual stimulation; turn off sounds to reduce auditory stimulation; and, when I need a break, I log off! It’s that easy.

The people aren’t as easy to leave, but that’s another story.

As with any collection of people there are all kinds of different types… some you wish you’d never bumped into and others who change your life in a positive way. Over the years of being there, I have now learned to be more wise about the people I keep company with online.

Anyway, after much time, I am now coming into my own. My avatar is 3.5 years old now so I guess, in that world, I am maturing beyond my rebellious teenage time online. [My avatar was always an adult, but maybe the avatar operator -me- was a bit immature.]

So now I go to live music events, poetry readings, classes, lots of things that are the “real Jen.” Sometimes I even go dancing or play cards with friends.

One thing I never expected was the spiritual side of this online universe. At first, when I logged in, I could leave behind my real life obligations and escape… but it wasn’t long before I learned that that was a false front and it was doing a disservice to myself. It also made me start to feel a bit frustrated. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time but I was losing touch with myself in the sense that parts of me were feeling silenced and pushed off to the side.

Sadly, even my faith seemed to be left behind when I logged on. I wasn’t faithless. I just got swept away by the virtual world and the freedom of trying on new lives. It’s complicated and likely non-sensical to those of you who have never spent time in a virtual environment, but it’s a very interesting social … experiment (for lack of a better world).

For now, let me just say that my most recent joy was finding some kindred spirits from around the world who are also trying to actively exercise their faith and spirituality in this surreal environment. I stumbled across the place quite by accident but I have been going there on and off for more than a year now, I guess.

Viriditas
A photo I took inworld where we meditate

Monday to Friday there is a morning, 30-minute, silent meditation at noon (my time – which is 9AM inworld). There is another at midnight (9PM inworld). And on Sundays there is an 11pm session.

I have recently offered to help with the mornning sessions since I am available and can help without a commute! What a treat.

But the thing that is so meaningful is the people I meet and “work” with. All magnificent people who are very inclusive and quite inspirational in their own ways.

Maybe someday I will get brave enough to tell you more about it. But for now, I offer this virtual peek into a place that lets all the abled and disabled participate on equal footing.

Be well.

frustration, sad, seizure, stroke

Slings and arrows

This morning we had planned to go see a dear one in the hospital. We had booked with him yesterday evening to see him at 10:30 am today.

I woke up and as I was starting to get dressed, I began to hear clutter in my mind, things that repeat, and I knew that was bad. My husband asked me a question but I had trouble answering him. That, of course, is a huge warning sign so I lay down in bed.

A while later, I managed to call my husband upstairs and he lay down with me and rubbed my back because I was sad and frustrated. I felt terrible to have been in that situation again. I guess I keep dreaming that it will get better. It was then 10:15. I asked my husband to call and delay our visit. He did, just saying that something came up and we’ve had a delay but that we’re still coming.

I was so sad to not be better. That was a hard morning but the worst was yet to come.

We made a run to the person’s house to grab some things he had asked for and we got to the hospital. My husband dropped me and our eldest at the door.

We got upstairs and walked in overhearing him on the phone with another loved one. He interrupted the chat saying we were here. Then they both laughed that we are late and the person on the phone said she has to invite us an hour earlier to get us there in time. Due to the fact that he is hard of hearing, the phone was set very loud and so we overheard the whole thing ourselves.

Hahahahha! Isn’t that hilarious?!?

No. It isn’t. I cried in the hospital and immediately explained how insensitive it is. I told him, through tears, that I had a seizure at home and that’s why we’re late. He cried too and was clearly ashamed. But I don’t care. They should know better.

It aches that even the ones I most trust are so numb to it all.

This is me and I might NEVER change. I guess times like this help remind me to be more selective about the invitations I accept. I will never stray from my family. The rest, well … passive-aggression is unacceptable. Even the kids (my sons who are already very sensitive, kind, compassionate young people) were pretty sad too.

mean

I post this in the hope that someone somewhere out there will see a similar pain and not feel so alone. As I explained to the kids, part of the important wisdom is knowing when to keep distance from those who hurt you.

I look normal so maybe I make an easy target for the slings and jokes and arrows. So be it.

I remain strong and in love with God. I am alive … so the ignorance cannot undo me.

Be well.

family

Watercolour Memories

Forty years ago today my parents were getting ready to exchange their vows. Hair curled, stockings on; clean cut and shaven; flowers and confetti. Oh the joy of June 9, 1973!

As time moved along babies came, loved ones passed … and thanks to their union, here I am.

If only life really was a fairy tale. If only the bride and groom could hold each other’s hand and that day’s joy forever. But of course, life is only a kaleidoscope of moments because time moves on. And if the moment of their wedding had frozen there, I would not be here, nor would my brother, or my three sons.

My father often mentions how joyful he was when he became a father. I guess, nearing 40, he was thinking he might not have children. So I am sure he would say “thank God for time moving on.” Babies, summers at the lake, family vacations, city council and careers served well. Yes, time moved us past many wonderful watercolour memories.

But as with day and night, ebb and flow, all of life has a balance. Dreams and nightmares.

Montfort HospitalSo here I sit, in a hospital, waiting for my 80 year old father while a surgeon wages unexpected war on cancer in his colon… it’s hard not to wish for a happier time – one when Mom was still here.

Eventually, if you fall asleep on damp salty pillows often enough, you stop wishing for things that cannot be.

It’s all about the here and now. Right now. Just absorb this moment. For better or for worse. Reach out and squeeze the hand of someone you love and thank God for the many blessings that make life’s challenges more manageable.

As Mom always reminded me:
“This, too, shall pass.”