Good days and bad days … and I rarely am brave enough to share a bad day. On those days I just get quiet. Well I am learning to be stronger for myself and my own limitations… Here is a glimpse behind the curtain.

I find it hard to keep up with life some days. My house gets busy, the world can be loud, the tvs bring chaos and we all have needs.

I vaguely remember napping as a little girl. I miss it. Being on my Mom’s knee and sucking my thumb and finding comfort in the rhythm of her heartbeat. I miss her and I miss that phase of life. Remember being in the line-up for a cuddle with your parents? I do… and then we grow up and we love more and more and more.

Then suddenly your parent can’t hug you as often (but THANK YOU to my Daddy who is always ready for a hug) and you notice that the lineup waiting for you forms on the right and stretches for miles with hopeful, loving faces shining at you…

I am still so fortunate to have such wonderful people around me but like everyone else, sometimes I just need to curl up in a quiet space and suck my thumb and cuddle under a blanket while my head heals and I cope with my new self and my new limits.

Today, I spent my time getting my meds ready and sorted in the weekly dossette case, I planned a dinner for the family, I showered and dressed and I coped with a busy home, I will happily cook today… and yes, that is all I can manage today. If your e-mail in unanswered in my inbox all I ask is for patience. I still do feel guilty when I can’t please peole the way they deserve… that is hard.

And if, on the other hand, you too are recovering from your own stroke (of genius), you are not alone if you feel tired and lost and lonely sometimes. I think it happens to all of us. And my experience so far reassures me that tomorrow is always a bit brighter and as we get closer to Spring, the sun stays up longer for sure.

God Bless you all.

Jen

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.
   ~ 1 Corinthians 13.11-13

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THE SCENE BEHIND THE CURTAIN:
There is music playing softly in the basement, children laughing as they play, a tv playing a cartoon, a friend is in chat telling me that they love me, my husband asks what is for dinner, the dog whines to go out for a pee.

OLD JEN: tells the chat friend to hang on, speculates about dinner options as she walks to the door and rewards the puppy as she lets it out and tries to think of the name of that song playing downstairs while she glances at the TV subconsciously evaluating appropriateness.

NEW JEN: can’t remember what food we have, feels overwhelmed and scared by the noises, tries to determine if the kids are making happy or unhappy sounds, shuts the chat window unexpectedly and cries.