Category Archives: recover

recover, recovery, stroke

Today ~ and tomorrow

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I haven’t posted anything in more than a year.

Why am I back? Why now?

Well I guess first I should tell you why I left. The answer is fear.

I had a person who befriended me and knew about my blog and I was worried about them knowing so much about my life. For a period of time, I even feared that their liking of me had surpassed a healthy interest. I decided it was a bit too risky to post.

Did I write in the meantime? Absolutely. I wrote in a journal at home and I have had some nice entries and over time I will add them here… which brings me to why I came back.

Reason #3: Because, as a mother of three young boys I did spend a lot of time talking to my children about bullying. One thing I taught them was that bullies really shouldn’t be given enough power to “win.” In many ways, that bully won when he kept me silent by scaring me. With some internal courage (and the input of a law enforcement officer who is aware of the situation), I am standing up and taking back ownership of my blog.

Reason #2: Because as a young woman recovering from a hemorrhagic stroke, I want to have a voice. I don’t have a career anymore and my cognitive disabilities prevent me from re-entering the traditional 9-5 deadline-based, commuter work world. But it hasn’t prevented me from thinking, feeling, or considering life and my journey. This blog helps me to leave a mark that someday may speak for me even when I can no longer. Consider this my place to etch my name in the strong bark of the world.

Reason #1: You. It seemed that lately the stars were aligned to shove me toward my blog. I have had several requests from very different people in very different parts of my life who each asked the same innocent question for their own very different reasons. One heard my voice as a fellow stroke patient. One heard my voice as an old friend from high school. One heard my voice as a comrade who also faces life’s challenges from a tough illness. One heard my voice here in my blog as a way to feel connected with me and keep up with my journey. They each said: “I check often but nothing…. Will you write again?”

TypingDear reader,

In my first post almost three years ago, I asked you to take this journey with me. You never left but I did.

I’m sorry …and I’m back. Please forgive me.

Sincerely, Jennifer



Be well.

brain injury, creativity, faith, family, frustration, hope, inspiration, love, optimism, parenting, recover, stroke

I am…

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…alive (when I may have died in other eras)
…brave (when I least expect it)
…quiet (when the words fail me – or are not words I want tied to me)
…inspired (by sunshine and a warm breeze)
…proud (of my sons and my family)
…sorry (for my new prioritization of me before most others)
…learning (how to be the receiver and not the giver)
…strong (to say no, if it is what is best)
…silly (when I feel like laughing over nothing at all)
…loving (for those around me who deserve so much of my affection)
…grumpy (when I am not able to keep up)
…creative (when I have space to dream)
…amazed (when I consider how far I have come)
…numb (when I consider the road ahead)
…hopeful (when the sun comes up the next day)

Be well,

Jen

brain injury, hope, inspiration, recover, recovery

Mindfulness

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Guess what! Despite my reduced abilities, my mind is still bright and shiny and beautiful and able! It really is. I spoke to my mind and my body (more accurately… I LISTENED to my mind and my body) this morning during an exceptional period of guided mindfulness in a rehabilitation session.

  • When was the last time you sat in silence?
  • Have you ever meditated?
  • Do you check in with the parts of your body?
  • Are you aware of every sense’s contribution to the most simple moments?

I would have said No to each of those before this morning but now I will do this as often as possible.

Mermaid me in another place and time

With the benefit of silence and calm and relaxation this morning I saw my brain swim and soar and twirl and circle playfully, pause reflectively and consider things as I always was able. Agile and adaptable and brilliant. Like a beautiful movie in the beautiful sea… 

And THEN it is time to talk about it or to verbalize it or even to define it and suddenly my beautiful movie stalls and stutters and skips frames. The image melts on the screen and my beautiful brain is ashamed and dismayed and looks away… A tear spills into that ocean. Perhaps that is how my ocean arrived… One tear at a time…

It hurts to struggle with the abilities I used to take for granted. It is a huge regret that I was not more thankful for it being so easy at the time.

But instead of living in that regret I have work to do to continue my regrowth. Everything happens for a reason. How can I grieve for a gift that I enjoyed while it was mine? It was not mine forever… only loaned to me. 

Perhaps on September 7, 2010 a new child was born and was gifted with that blessing – if I could find them, my silent gesture would be to tenderly touch their cheek and wish them joy and awareness of the depth of that gift.
Thank you for walking this far with me – even if we have never met I am grateful for your virtual presence – for this shared experience, and for feeling connected to the world beyond my Self. But please forgive me if me, myself, and I spend some quiet time to reconnect.

*smiles quietly*

Be well,

Jen

P.S.: A belated Happy Valentine’s Day with an affectionate tribute to my husband whose proposal was 12 years ago… And to my Brassavola Nodosa (a type of orchid) who brings me joy and beauty even in the middle of the night.

Brassavola Nodosa