Category Archives: family

brain injury, creativity, faith, family, frustration, hope, inspiration, love, optimism, parenting, recover, stroke

I am…

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…alive (when I may have died in other eras)
…brave (when I least expect it)
…quiet (when the words fail me – or are not words I want tied to me)
…inspired (by sunshine and a warm breeze)
…proud (of my sons and my family)
…sorry (for my new prioritization of me before most others)
…learning (how to be the receiver and not the giver)
…strong (to say no, if it is what is best)
…silly (when I feel like laughing over nothing at all)
…loving (for those around me who deserve so much of my affection)
…grumpy (when I am not able to keep up)
…creative (when I have space to dream)
…amazed (when I consider how far I have come)
…numb (when I consider the road ahead)
…hopeful (when the sun comes up the next day)

Be well,

Jen

family, frustration, memories, optimism, parenting, recovery

Memories

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  • The black iron railing on the concrete steps outside of our first home in Quebec
  • “Dog Patrol” a near-daily excursion as Dad would peddle me around on the back of his bike looking for doggies that I could pet
  • Washing dishes standing on a chair in the kitchen next to my Mom
  • My new baby brother coming home
  • Noticing that he was “broken” between his legs while I assisted Mom with a diaper change
  • My first amazing experience at school with my Junior Kindergarten Teacher (Mrs. Rheaume, I still think of you often)
  • Recording our voice and our home family movies
  • Learning to debate at school
  • Perfecting how to debate at the dinner table
  • Years of summertime joy and crushes and sunburns
  • First kiss
  • Never wanting to see that guy again… good thing he won’t know I mean him
  • Writing my first poem
  • Dancing in my bedroom
  • Transcribing lyrics from radio music
  • Losing my Nanny (maternal and only grandparent)
  • My first bra
  • My first heartbreak
  • Painting
  • First “first date”
  • First “last date”
  • First act of citizenship: I vote
  • Being elected at my high school
  • Graduation
  • An abusive relationship
  • University … a procrastinator’s heaven and hell
  • Pride + Kraft Dinner VS Logic + Asking for money
    (if you know me, you know which I picked… despite not having any milk)
  • Illness and close brushes with despair
  • Family love and how the extended family reinforces the troops regardless of the problem, the timing, or the need
  • The power of a loved one’s beautiful baby girl
  • Smugly taking a job in broadcasting which surely meant that I didn’t need the degree
  • A star named after me
  • Understanding how much that really meant
  • Meeting the son of my parents’ friends “just for coffee”
  • Long distance love in denial
  • Dropping to my knees in front of him and saying yes
  • Moving (for the thousandth time)
  • Marrying
  • Moving #1001 – but thankfully moving to the “M” section in people’s address books instead of the “V”
  • Making babies – the easy part AND the hard part
  • New life all around
  • The beauty of someone else’s wedding
  • Learning what to control and what you cannot control
  • Mom’s life ebbing away
  • Recovery from loss
  • Needing to be loved
  • Losing weeks of my life – a small price to pay because I had never had the chance to say “goodbye, how I love you”
  • Rebirth with my artificial umbilical cords
  • Learning to walk again and to read and write
  • Feeling fear often
  • My brother, husband and father never leaving my side
  • Reaching back to my husband
  • Deciding to act the way I felt people wanted me to be
  • Changing that decision!
  • Making true friends recovering with them in the hospital for more than two months
  • Learning many ways to measure distance (inches, kilometers, aeons)
  • Remarking which friends have stayed… regardless of my quiet
     *smiling at you with gratitude*
  • My sons sharing the experience of being with Mom on the floor (ferociously proud of them now and forever – unless they have behaved unethically or unlawfully you’d be best to complain to someone else)
  • My husband carrying his own weight and far too much of mine
  • Every one of my stroke steps…

And today?
Another year older!!! Ack!!!

Be well

Jen

family, sad

Missing my Mom

Two years ago from Feb 28 I lost my Mom. More accurately, we ALL lost my Mom.

In that one day, I witnessed the most bitter loss of my life and the most liberating release of hers.

There aren’t really words to say how much it hurts or how deep I feel it or acutely I miss her.

Hard to believe that she never knew me as a stroke patient. I am thankful to the Lord that He spared me from this while I was caring for her.

I would love to feel her arms around me or her hand stroking my face… but I wouldn’t have kept her in that misery for any benefit.

When Mom was leaving we all gathered around her bed, we knew it was happening, and her brothers and their wives were there as well as Dad and my brother and Kirk and I. We held hands and we prayed and we waited quietly while I whispered in her ear that it was okay to let go and go Home. We promised her to take care of each other and we waited while she released her firm grasp on our hands.

I remember after she passed and the pain had stopped assaulting her, I finally was able to get back into bed with her and cuddle her after many months of not being able to hold her properly… so did my brother… and for a moment we snuggled up to our Mommy the way we always had from the first breath we took in this world.

We love you Mom!

And I have a bone to pick with you… what gives you the right to knock me off the ladder on my swift ascent to your side?!?! *smiles* Just kidding, Mom, I know it was because I was impatient and way ahead of schedule… either that or the people at this end who fixed my leak were on your side 😉

See you Mom!

Jen
xoxox….