All posts by Jennifer V-M

creativity, frustration

Patience

I stand still and watch and listen

I cannot fake being able to keep up with the pace of life
Well… maybe I can fake it but it only raises expectations
So I choose not to

I hear a piano being played in the distance

I try to manage a phone call or two a week
Sadly it’s mostly to get my new Warfarin dosages or to talk to insurance companies
I need them more than they need me

In comes a wave and a breeze blows across my face

I manage some of the household chores, so does my husband
My sons earn assistance points all the time by doing a chore
(some they do with my grumpy face pushing them)

I notice a lovely Cardinal on the bird feeder in the backyard

Friends and family each only ask for one visit – one chat – one gathering
Soon they add up to daily
I can’t manage that in addition to my own obligations for my kids, so I don’t

My dog’s soft black fur feels lovely against my foot where she is cuddled up

I have at least one medical appointment every week
Blood tests are a nearly constant event
Usually another medical appointment every couple weeks

I hear chirping and a plane humming overhead

I watched tv once in the past 8 months
I watched the royal wedding – why not watch a girl becom a princess?
Occurred to me often that his mom was missing… I hope when it’s my sons’ turn I am not missing

Warm sunshine on my face makes me instinctively turn my face toward the heat and close my eyes

Music still brings me joy
Headphones blocking everything else bring me even more joy
But the best of all is my sons in my arms loving me and me loving them

A butterfly lands on my window sill – just like she promised she would

I smile at her
   Her wings beat slowly
      And then she is gone

Patience
   Was worth the wait to see her if only for a moment
      It really is a virtue

Be well.

Jen

For those of you who have discussed and speculated that my absence is about “you” and why am i mad and blah blah blah blah…
… that is the only incentive i need never to be back in that game.

I hope every other stroke patient reading this also has the strength to walk away from those selfish people.

brain injury, recovery, stroke

Wounds that heal

In case I forget how far I have come…

This is from when i was well enough to have asked for my BlackBerry and to have remembered how to use it…

These were in October 2010. The bleeding stopped about a week ago (April 2011).

IMG00048 IMG00051

I still have massive scars in my hair – sometimes I wish they weren’t so well hidden. I wish they were across my face so that people couldn’t forget that I am recovering from a brain hemorrhage and a very immense brain surgery. But I know that it’s a blessing not to be left with that too (but imagine having high expectations of a person in a wheelchair… we might change our expectations then I think).
Since then I have had one experience they call a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) which is likely a clot passing and briefly stopping in a vein/artery in the brain. It lasted about an hour with only a couple of the famous five warning signs (I had trouble speaking and understanding). It was scary but it passed – this was late Feb.
I have tried not to talk about it and not to dwell on it but it’s part of who I am so I am sharing that with you.
If you are wondering about why I never call you – please don’t forget that I am disabled (particularly with regard to sound and with visual stimulation).
I guess the choices are to love me anyway and be quiet or to be insulted and leave.
Either way I understand and I will still love you.
Be well,
Jen
P.S. This entry was called “wounds that heal” because there are some that never entirely heal.
family, frustration, parenting, sons

The child inside us all

If I think back to the child I used to be… and if I am really honest… she is not that far gone.

little girl flowersAs a child I liked to laugh, liked to play, liked to learn, liked to create, I liked to entertain others with humour or wit or performance… I liked to hug and be hugged, I liked to cuddle. I wasn’t perfect then (my parents might try to tell you I was – sometimes I wish that was true…) and I am still not perfect – far from it.

All of those things are still true except now I have to pay a mortgage or fill out an(other) insurance form or take a mountain of meds, or sign permission slips.

But the child in me is the part most charmed by my sons. They are fun to play with and they are a total pain when they fight with us – then we have to put on grown-up pants and get serious! And so this morning we had to ground our eldest to his room and (being just like every generation in his family tree) he is stubborn.

Silence was the weapon he eventually resorted to.

But here was his method of communicating (this slipped out under his door for any passer by I guess…)

Note to parents
I remember when I was stuck in my room to clean up – I think I was 3. My Dad was going out to work but I wanted his attention. So I remember making a ringing noise (I had a small play phone in my room) and calling down the stairs to him that the phone was ringing. He had his briefcase and was tying his shoes. He asked me to please answer it – thinking that he had outsmarted me… I ran over to the phone and shouted “Hello? … Just a second… DADDY? It’s for YOU!”

I ran to the top of the stairs just in time to see him slouch over his tied shoes and shake his head, slowly putting down his briefcase and up he came.

There are reasons that these things happen. Maybe his hug really was magic, or maybe his new timing helped him miss a traffic accident, or maybe – just maybe – the fact that he and his 37-year-old daughter still smile at that memory is reason enough to come take the call.

Be well.

Jen

… oh and for the record, I did need him, so I did knock on the foot of his bed.