This morning we had planned to go see a dear one in the hospital. We had booked with him yesterday evening to see him at 10:30 am today.

I woke up and as I was starting to get dressed, I began to hear clutter in my mind, things that repeat, and I knew that was bad. My husband asked me a question but I had trouble answering him. That, of course, is a huge warning sign so I lay down in bed.

A while later, I managed to call my husband upstairs and he lay down with me and rubbed my back because I was sad and frustrated. I felt terrible to have been in that situation again. I guess I keep dreaming that it will get better. It was then 10:15. I asked my husband to call and delay our visit. He did, just saying that something came up and we’ve had a delay but that we’re still coming.

I was so sad to not be better. That was a hard morning but the worst was yet to come.

We made a run to the person’s house to grab some things he had asked for and we got to the hospital. My husband dropped me and our eldest at the door.

We got upstairs and walked in overhearing him on the phone with another loved one. He interrupted the chat saying we were here. Then they both laughed that we are late and the person on the phone said she has to invite us an hour earlier to get us there in time. Due to the fact that he is hard of hearing, the phone was set very loud and so we overheard the whole thing ourselves.

Hahahahha! Isn’t that hilarious?!?

No. It isn’t. I cried in the hospital and immediately explained how insensitive it is. I told him, through tears, that I had a seizure at home and that’s why we’re late. He cried too and was clearly ashamed. But I don’t care. They should know better.

It aches that even the ones I most trust are so numb to it all.

This is me and I might NEVER change. I guess times like this help remind me to be more selective about the invitations I accept. I will never stray from my family. The rest, well … passive-aggression is unacceptable. Even the kids (my sons who are already very sensitive, kind, compassionate young people) were pretty sad too.

I post this in the hope that someone somewhere out there will see a similar pain and not feel so alone. As I explained to the kids, part of the important wisdom is knowing when to keep distance from those who hurt you.

I look normal so maybe I make an easy target for the slings and jokes and arrows. So be it.

I remain strong and in love with God. I am alive … so the ignorance cannot undo me.

Be well.